The Mistakes We Make
by seattlegracegirl
Summary: Berena prompt: After Bernie returns from the Ukraine she finds Serena and Robbie in a relationship together and then Alex turns up...


Berena prompt: After Bernie returns from the Ukraine she finds Serena and Robbie in a relationship together and then Alex turns up...

I'm so sorry this prompt has taken so long to fill, and for rather dropping off the face of the Earth! I've had good reason, I promise! And I'm back working on Between Surgeons and Shiraz, so should have the next installment of that up soon! In the meantime, I'd love to know what you think of this (which hasn't at all ended up as planned...)

* * *

Bernie swiped her pass, relieved to see the lights flash green and permit her entry. She had half expected to be faced with a blinking red light in judgment of her ill-timed and quite frankly cowardly exit. As she stepped through the doors, her gaze instantly settled on Serena across the ward. It seemed like time away hadn't dampened her skill to locate the brunette even in the most crowded of rooms. Her breath caught in her throat at the first sight in months of the woman she loved.

She had been able to admit that when she was in Ukraine. Nights of crying herself to sleep had made it impossible to deny. She so badly wanted to rush to her, take her in her arms, promise her to spend the rest of her days making it up to her. To never hurt her like that again.

Her feet, however, remained sensible, and rooted to the spot.

"Good Morning, Dr Bernie. Welcome back."

The blonde couldn't help but smile at Jason's beaming face. "Hello, Jason."

"I knew you'd be back today. Aunty Serena had it marked on our calendar at home."

Bernie's eyes flickered across the ward once more. "She did, did she?"

He nodded. "Robbie even asked who you were. He wondered what made you so important you had made it on to our calendar. He thought you were a man. It was quite funny really. I think he was jealous."

Bernie's gaze snapped back to Jason. "Robbie?"

"Yes. Robbie. Detective Inspector Robert Metcalfe," elaborated Jason. "Aunty Serena's boyfriend."

The smile that had been nervously playing around the blonde's lips since catching sight of Serena fell instantly. She had finally plucked up the courage to call Serena a fortnight ago, figuring it was only fair to let her know of her return date, and make sure she was welcome back on the ward. Serena hadn't said a single word about Robbie.

Bernie remembered the call well. She had finally opened up to the brunette. Apologised, admitted her mistake. Her many mistakes, actually. She had laid bare the fact that she had feelings for Serena. Feelings that scared her, made her run in fear of ruining what they had. She had told her she didn't want to keep it confined to theatre. Never had actually, but her own fears and insecurities had prevented her from saying as much at the time. She still didn't believe she was good enough for Serena. Could never be what she deserved. But hell, she was willing to spend each and every day giving it a damn good go.

In return, she realised, standing there, bottle of appallingly wrapped wine in hand, that Serena had said... well, nothing. She had reassured Bernie she was not worthless, that of course she was welcome back on the ward. But as of her feelings...

"Are you alright, Dr Bernie?"

She took a deep breath, suddenly dizzy. "Sorry, Jason. Just a little tired I guess. Jet lag or something." She flashed him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I think I'll just go and grab myself a coffee."

Without waiting for his reply, Bernie turned on her heel and exited the ward, dumping the wine in the trash on her way out. Instead of heading down the stairs towards Pulses, however, she went up. Up and up until she reached the roof. It was on there, the city sprawling below her that she let her tears silently fall. How could she have been so stupid?

She jumped as a hand appeared in front of her, brandishing a tissue. Turning, she found Dom standing next to her, offering her a sad smile to go with the tissue.

"Welcome back."

Taking the tissue, Bernie turned away as she wiped her eye and cleared her nose. "Thank you," she mumbled.

"Having a great first day back then?"

The blonde chuckled at the question. "Yes. Quite fucking fantastic." She turned to face him. "I've been on the ward for all of two minutes and my day has already turned quite spectacularly to shit."

"Ouch. Actual swear words before midday." Taking a chance, he reached out and placed a gentle hand on her arm. "I know you're not big on talking, but if you need to let it out, I'm here. And as big as a gossip as I can be, it'll go no further. What happens in Roof Top Gay Club stays in Roof Top Gay Club."

She nodded, managing a small smile and squeezing the hand on her arm lightly. "Thank you." She turned back to the railing, leaning against it as her gaze drifted out over the city. "I just feel like I world at my fingertips, and I picked it up and threw it as far as I could."

"Have you spoken to her?"

Bernie shook her head. "She's with Robbie now. There would be no point. I doubt there's anything I have to say she'd want to hear." She sighed. "It just feels so awkward now."

2

"Bernie!"

The blonde turned at hearing her name. She knew that voice.

"Alex?" The brunette was casually leaning against the wall a few feet from the exit. "What on Earth are you doing here? I thought you were you were on the other side of the world."

"I was," replied the other woman, pushing herself away from the wall. "But I'm on leave." She took the few steps to close the distance between them. "I heard about the divorce."

Bernie dropped her head. Of course she had. Everyone had. She would have been as well taking a full page spread in the newspaper about it. "I'm still sorting things out," she mumbled.

"Have you figured out what you want?"

The blonde let out a long breath, blinking to try and clear the tears that threatened to spill. It had been a long, hard day, full of awkward half smiles and pretending everything was okay when all she wanted to do was scream and shout and ask why. Just, _why_? Why hadn't she said anything about Robbie? Why had she let Bernie hope?

She had intended to ask Serena to go for a drink after work and begin to try and figure out how to ask the questions she so badly needed answers to, but when Serena's phone had rung, Robbie's name appearing on the screen, it had been too much, and she had left without a word.

This morning, she knew exactly what and who she wanted. Now, beyond a glass of whisky, she had no idea what she wanted.

"Bern, are you okay?"

The blonde's head snapped up at the words, tears spilling from her eyes. She tried to regulate her breathing and stop the flow of tears, but when the first ugly sob broke from her throat she knew the battle was lost. "I'm sorry!" She made to run, but was stopped by strong hands on her shoulders.

"Breathe, Bern."

Bernie let herself be guided away from the busy hospital entrance and around the corner, a hand pressed to her face as she tried to quieten her sobs. She didn't fight when Alex took her into her arms, gently rubbing her back. They stayed that way until the blonde's sobs had finally quietened.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise. We all need to let it out sometimes. Are you okay?" She tilted her head to let her look into the other woman's eyes.

"Yes? No? Maybe?" Replied Bernie, wiping at her eyes as she finally straightened up.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The blonde shook her head. "No. It's...I can't Alex." She couldn't talk to Alex about Serena. It was bad enough she'd already sobbed her heart out on the unsuspecting brunette's shoulder.

"Look, Bernie," sighed Alex. "I didn't come here with any expectations. I came here to see you, to catch up, see how you were." She gestured up and down the blonde's lean frame. "Whatever this is, I'm pretty sure it's not over me."

Bernie gave her a sad smile. "We did have some good times."

Alex chuckled. "We did. We were friends as well though, Bern. And I'd like to think we still could be."

"Alex, I was awful to you," breathed the blonde.

"You weren't," reassured Alex. "You were trying to figure things out. Figure yourself out. I can understand that."

"I don't deserve you being this nice to me," mumbled Bernie, dropping her head.

The brunette merely nudged her shoulder with her own. "Maybe not, but I am. So live with it. Come on, what do you say we get out of here and go grab a drink and you can tell me what sorry mess has you breaking down in tears in a car park?" She offered her elbow.

Bernie hesitate before finally taking the offered arm with a grateful smile. "Thank you."

Neither of them saw Serena watch them go.

3

Bernie sat at the bar in Albie's, swirling the wine in her glass, the rest of the bottle on the bar before her. It wasn't exactly the best coping strategy in the world, but it was what she had. Thankfully, the bar was rather empty tonight. Not that she would have cared if it wasn't. She needed this drink. Needed to have this drink in a public place and not at home, where she wouldn't just stop at the bottle, and would no doubt move on to whisky and worse.

Be patient. That had been the outcome of she and Alex's talk the night they had gone for drinks. Bernie found that it had been surprisingly easy to talk to Alex. To learn that she was still enlisted and hoping she had a good few more tours in her, to tell her in turn that she wouldn't be going back. They had quickly moved from work lives to personal lives, and Bernie was pleased to learn that Alex was actually seeing someone new. A friend of a friend. It was early days, but the brunette hoped it had the potential to become something more serious. In turn Bernie found herself unintentionally skipping over her divorce in favour of opening up about Serena.

Alex had given her the view from her own perspective, from the early days of their own relationship. Of course, it had occurred to Bernie that she and Serena were similar in many ways, not least their only truly exploring their sexuality later in life, but it had never quite dawned on her how similar their situations were, if only in reverse. Alex had been patient with Bernie, given her space, let her make her own realizations and come to terms with what she was feeling. It hadn't always been easy, the brunette had openly admitted. It had been downright heartbreaking at times, but even without their fairytale ending, Alex would always say it had been worth it.

Serena was worth it. Bernie knew that. Serena was worth all this pain and more. Being able to make her smile and watch it reach her eyes, or hear her laugh, it made it all worth it. Still, that didn't make it any easier when Robbie had appeared on the ward, flowers and bottle of wine in hand, suggesting a quiet night in. It didn't make her any less sick to her stomach to watch him touch her. She had made a quick exit from the ward before she had been forced to endure the sight of him kissing her.

She looked up from her glass at the sound of a stool scraping across the floor at the other end of the bar. She was surprised to see none other than the subject of her thoughts sitting only a few feet away. Turning her gaze back to the bar, and noting the distinct lack of the barman, she signed, standing to reach over the bar and retrieve a clean wine glass. She filled it from her own bottle before sliding It over the bar towards Serena. She turned to go back towards her own stool, only to feel a familiar hand wrap around her wrist.

"I don't want you to go."

Bernie made plenty of mistakes, but this was one she wasn't making twice. She turned and nodded, moving to quickly retrieve her own glass and the remainder of the bottle before settling on the stool next to Serena.

They sat in silence for a while, neither willing to fill the time with meaningless chatter, as had become their habit on the ward. They both knew the conversation they needed to have. That they had been avoiding having for weeks.

Surprising herself, Bernie spoke first, though she kept her gaze firmly trained on the glass of wine in front of her. "I owe you an apology. To say sorry in person. To your face. I ran when I should have stayed." She paused, taking a deep breath. "I didn't even want to get on the plan. All I wanted to turn was around, but I had already signed on the dotted line. I had my orders, self imposed though there were and I couldn't walk away. I missed you. Every day. I missed my friend, I missed…"

She trailed off. She wanted to say 'I missed us'.

"I owe you an apology too," said Serena, her voice soft. She waited until brown eyes met her own. "You wanted to give me time. For me to be able to process what I was feeling. To make sure we didn't rush into things, to be mature about things." She felt her cheeks redden with embarrassment. "And then you leave and I go and fall into the arms of the first person who shows an interest like some idiot." She let out a sigh, more out of despair at her own behaviour then anything else. She never wanted Robbie back. He had just been there. The wrong place at the wrong time. Reaching for her glass, she quickly polished off its contents, watching as Bernie silently refilled it.

Putting her glass down, Serena reached for Bernie's hand where it rested on the bar, taking a moment to thread their fingers together and enjoy the feeling of the blonde's digits between her own. "I told you I was falling in love with you. That's not entirely true. I've fallen in love with you. I do love you."

Bernie turned, a frown painted across her features. "But Robbie..."

"That should never have happened. And I'm so sorry it did. It's...it's stopped happening now." Serena took a deep breath, turning to face her friend. "I've been avoiding him for weeks, hoping he'd take the hint and I wouldn't have to explain things to him but when I saw your face tonight when he appeared on the ward..."

"Oh," breathed Bernie, her breath hitching in her chest.

"Yes."

"Right." Bernie dropped her gaze to their joined hands. "So...um...I...would you maybe like to have dinner? Friday? That little Italian?"

"The one with the extensive wine list?"

"That's the one."

"Well now that depends," said Serena, her smile faltering slightly.

Bernie looked up at the chance in the other woman's tone. "On?"

"Well…isn't Alex back on the scene?" asked the brunette, trying to phrase the question as delicately as she could.

"Alex?" repeated Bernie, wondering how on Earth Serena even knew she had been back in the country, never mind that they had met. "We bumped into each other outside of the hospital a few weeks ago. Went for a couple of drinks. She's seeing someone new. A friend of a friend apparently."

"Oh!" said breathed Serena, her smile creeping back onto her face. "So…"

"I didn't come back from Ukraine for Alex, Serena," said the Bernie, rubbing her thumb against the soft skin of the brunette's wrist. "I hadn't even thought about her in months. There's only been one woman occupying my thoughts…"

Serena's smile widened at the blonde's words. They had both made mistakes, but tonight, from now on, was going to be their new beginning. "Bernie…" Her smile was evident in her voice even before Bernie looked up. "Will it be a date this time?"

The blonde felt her cheeks flush red. "I was rather hoping so," she replied, her voice barely more than a whisper.

"I do have one condition though," said Serena, eyebrow raised in challenge.

"Name it," replied Bernie without a second's hesitation.

"Don't leave me standing on my doorstep waiting for you to kiss me this time."

Bernie couldn't have stopped the smile that spread across her lips if she tried, and silently thanked whatever gods and lucky stars were on her side for the swift turn around in her luck. "I think I can just about manage that." She swallowed thickly. "I...I could...I mean if you wanted...I could...um...I could see about addressing that now?"


End file.
